16 de novembro de 2010

Indian Guys / White Girls Relationships

My story

I havent read everything, but seen enough stereotyping and ignorance to share my story: i´m american and about 3 months ago, my indian boyfriend of 3 years abandoned me. it seems like he has finally given in to his parents pressure to marry traditionally( arranged)

Right from the start, he asked me to marry him. I lived for him ever since. when he started postgraduate school i thought there was no wayour relationship was going to survive with both of us working and studying, so i quit my studies. i had no idea that being docile, feminine,and devoted was something bad. I thought it was something he´d be proud of. We used to say we wereso lucky to have found each other and there was so much complicity between us: we were best friends, buddies, and lovers, and basically just got each other´s back all the time.we used to play and laugh a lot, like kids. We studied new things, debated current issues, tease each other about soccer vs cricket! he said he wanted our daughter to look and be just like me( if we had one). we were so happy! i didn´t see this coming at all.

I love indian dearly: its colors, its culture, its diversity. i embraced it all as my own culture. i couldn´t wait to wear saris, the sindhur, even if old fashioned. i worried if wouldn´t look ridiculous with the blond hair and the pale skin. i wanted to make him proud. things that scare most women here, as a sign of submission, i coudn´t wait to do them: fasting for my husband during karva chauth and then drinking and eating from his hands...i thought that was the most romantic thing ever!

Things changed quickly when i asked him when should we start the wedding plans. he became restless, acting as if he was being cornered: trying to pick a fight at any cost, looking for a way out, i think. then i found out that over there in india, no one had ever heard of me, not even his best friend. Digging a little deeper, i found out that no one even knew he was in a relationship. And then he was gone.

The stress of our breakup was such that my immune system hit bottom low and i became very ill and almost died. i was hospitalized for almost three weeks. he was informed and sent me a single line email wishing me a speedy recovery. never went to visit me or asked anybody about me or tried to make any further contact. i could have died and it wouldn´t have even mattered to him..... his disloyalty and for so long...it just broke me into pieces. to the point that now i wish i had died in that hospital so i wouldn´t have to deal with this.

It is horrifying to know that i have been used by a guy i thought of as my husband and my best friend. it breaks me to think that i might not be able to trust anybody ever again. still, i have nothing against indians (guys or girls) and i wish they wouldn´t have anything against americans and westerners in general. it´s individual behaviour that shoud be judged. After having been in love with india and its people for so long, it hurts to read in the first page that i´m easy, good to walk over, and an object. or that it´s all about money. we all are complex beings. stereotypes make it ok to hurt others, based on the perception that they are less than we are. that´s just dangerous and so not true!

Ironically, i had scheduled a humanitarian trip to india to work with abandoned women, which i´m not canceling ( except for the place where he lives obviously ). i figure if i can reachout for others and help others that feel this type of pain ( and far worse cause there you usually add extremely poverty to the abandonment or abuse) maybe i will find comfort in the process and maybe even healing.

For those reading this i ask:

- Guys: if u are in the west, things are different. Many girls will have sex with you without commitment. Really, you should never play a girl or call her names because she feels for you the same thing you feel for her. Even if it is just lust. why do you think you can lust after girls but girls who feel the same are easy and good to walk over?

Think about the bad things you are perpetuating in the world. Think of your mothers and sisters and future daughters before playing someone. we all have to live in the same world. Just for the love of your family, make sure each and every girl you´re with knows exactly where she stands with you. Give her a fighting chance and the courtesy of letting her choose fairly. Don´t fool her. It might destroy her forever, just like it would destroy an indian girl. How can one play a girl, destroy her, and at the same time expect different predicament for girls in his family? Not all western women are the same. Some of us still believe in love and family, some don´t.

Some have casual sex, others don´t. And no one deserves to be disrespected for how they chose to live their lives. It is after all, their lives to live. I´m trying to do the same: i refuse to generalize indian men, based on my personal experience, as racist scoundrels, who play western women for sex, and as mommy boys.

Why should you be disrespectful just because a girl you want to have sex with also wants to have sex with you? Why should you call her easy? we are all free here. Some girls choose to have casual sex just like guys always did all over the world. Some will only have sex if deeply in love and some, only after marriage. But all shoud be equally respected.

-Girls: if you are in a relationship of any kind, and especially with someone from a different cultural background, make sure both of you want the same thing and that both of you respect each other. Make sure you aren´t being used. Run like hell the moment you suspect you are; don´t bet your heart. There´s no reason or excuse to disrespect someone just because they have different views of the world, but be sure to protect yourself from guys who want to use you. If in a serious relationship, demand to meet his family, close friends and make sure you visit them so that you know if you are accepted or not. And indian girls: Don´t give western girls dirty looks. we are all made of same stuff, we all have the same feelings. Live your life however you choose and allow others to do the same. If you know that a girl is being used, for the love of women´s sisterhood, go talk to her. Don´t give her looks, don´t be silent-- she might not know it. I sure as hell didn´t know it. Only now i come to know that this date white women for sex and marry the virgin indian is somewhat the norm among indian guys.

I never thought i was in a interracial relationship with a indian guy. I thought i was in a wonderful relationship with my best friend, future husband, and sweetest guy in the whole world who just happened to come from this amazing place called india. I had no idea

i was an object and i wish no one else in the world will ever suffer this type of pain, shame and humiliation. I was raised to judge people by their character and their character alone. I really doubt that guys calling western girls easy would do the same to indian girls. The sadness that comes with the knowledge that he did this to me just because i was white ( something i did not choose and can not change) is just too crushing for words.

Please! people of any race, lifestyle, sex, religion aren´t objects. Ever.

Sorry to get so personal here. I thought my story could be illustrative of what it seems to be a very sad and common place situation in indian guys / white girls relationships, which i was totally oblivious to ´till i feel victim of it. and you can spell fell again in caps.

Received via email by CrisBorges
Source: http://www.immihelp.com/forum/showthread.php?p=213592

Om Shanti and Ahimsa